Attention parents: You have to get off the couch!

Parenting is :

1. Exhilarating

2. Exhausting

3. Rewarding

4. Exhausting

5. Worth it all

6. Exhausting

7. All of the above

Dare I say that every parent knows the answer is 7) all of the above. Parenting takes us to the ends of ourselves – for better and for worse.

I can think of no other endeavour where we love so fiercely, are motivated to act selflessly, and continue to give where more is always demanded. In short, it brings out and develops our best self.

But also our worst self – the shrieking mommy-monster (or daddy) when the same instruction has been ignored 6 times; the bleary-eyed non-responsive blob at 3 am; the adult who finds themselves saying, sometimes even doing, the things they swore they would never do to their children, but here we are doing it.

Friends have said, “I can’t even imagine you angry.” Maybe not, but my children can, oh yes, they can. I have read “talk to your children like you talk to your friends. You wouldn’t yell at a friend.” But I don’t have a single friend whom I’ve had to tell “get back in that bathroom and wash your hands with soap and water.” Or, “shoving everything under the bed is NOT cleaning your room. Now go back and put the toys where they belong.” And my friends never whine, or tell me they hate me, or wish they had a different friend.

In the middle of all this exhaustion, this wear and tear on our souls (it sometimes seems), it can be most challenging to get off the couch. I remember not following through on a command I gave my toddler. It was evening, and I was done. I didn’t get up and make sure she did as instructed. A visiting relative said “you really need to be consistent and make sure she listens.” I thought of the many times that day that I HAD done that – and it was over 40 times. Unbelievable!!!!! Really, truly, 40+ times. And I guess by 41 I was finished. I just didn’t care anymore. Toddlers have an infinite capacity for irrational, egocentric behaviour. Not unlike teenagers. And my capacity for responding is, apparently, not infinite. That exhaustion I mentioned above, yeah, that sets in and I’m on the couch.

And, I hate to say it but it must be said, here’s the secret: you just can’t parent from the couch.

And, I hate to say it but it must be said, here’s the secret: you just can’t parent from the couch. You have to rise up and physically get close. It’s one of those short-term-pain, long-term-gain things. Experiment with this. Yell at your child in another room to do something. Then wait and see what happens (as if you don’t already know what they’ll do). Contrast that with walking to the door of a room that they’re in and calmly giving an instruction. Which one is more likely to be obeyed? Presence, your presence, is an important part of teaching kids to follow instructions. And the beauty of it is, it becomes a habit for the child. Eventually they learn that there’s no point in resisting, because you mean it. Similarly, ignoring you can become a habit if they know you won’t follow through.

I remember being in the home of a distraught, exhausted mother, whose daughter brought a bowl of cereal into the living room. The mom started to yell at her “You know you can’t eat in the living room, take that back into the kitchen right now. No food in the living room, go now! I mean it, get back in there right now!!!” The daughter just ignored her, walked over to a chair, sat and began to eat. I watched in astonishment as the mom shrugged and said “See, she just doesn’t listen.” But Mom didn’t get off the couch. She didn’t know that effective parenting needs to be up close and personal. And it can be done calmly. Yelling at kids isn’t what motivates them, it’s just their cue that we’re about to take action that gets them going. This child had learned that yelling was meaningless.

Think of it this way, if you got pulled over by the police, and you knew that all they could do was yell at you, “You crazy idiot, do you realize you were going 20 km over the speed limit? I don’t know how you got your license! You’d better watch it!” would your heart be racing and your palms sweating? I think not. You might even giggle! On the other hand, a policeman politely saying, “Hello ma’am, could I please see your driver’s license and registration,” can have us shaking in our boots (or sandals) because we know he has the authority to take action!

Even with dogs. My daughter has a beautifully trained dog named Echo. The other day Echo kept approaching the patio table where we were eating – she is not allowed to be near the table during mealtimes. My daughter shooed her into the middle of the yard then told Echo to sit. Echo did not. She looked over, decided she was far enough away to do what she wanted and kept walking. My daughter had only to half-rise from her chair for the dog to see that she meant business. Echo sat. “OMIGOSH, it even works with dogs,” I thought. Different animal; same principle.

To parent effectively you have to get off the couch. Sad but true. Just know I’m cheering for you!

---

ABOUT US:

At Impact Parenting Lethbridge, we offer coaching and support for all parenting challenges. We use a strengths based, effective, no-nonsense approach to help you to uncover the positive, and possible, within your family.

Want to learn more? Contact us today to find out how we can help you & your family.